The law expects parents to cooperate with one another in relation to the parenting arrangements of children. This is all well and good when parents’ feelings about the separation have been sorted out and they are enjoying their new lives. However, in most cases after parents separate, they continue to be caught up in their anger or hurt feelings about each other. Therefore, they are unable to talk with one another without arguing and are unable to work together on a plan that covers everything affecting the children.
The unfortunate consequence is that this approach ends up hurting everyone, especially your children.
Therefore, the way in which parents handle separation and divorce, and especially their feelings towards one another has an enormous effect on the way children cope with their lives.
Your children's feelings
If you think that children don’t know when their parents aren’t getting on or are arguing about them, you are sorely mistaken. Children are smarter than you think and they know when things aren’t right between their parents.
Children suffer if their parents are fighting with one another and worse more if parents start bringing them into their fights.
When parents feel angry or frustrated their children can quickly pick up on this and can feel scared or uncertain themselves. As a result, they may feel that they have to take sides which just isn’t fair. Just because parents can’t agree, it shouldn’t mean their children should feel they can’t love both of them freely.
It’s at times like this, parents have to be able to put their feelings about each other aside and get on with doing what they can to ensure their children can continue to love and see both of their parents guilt free and with no strings attached.
Innovative approaches to parenting arrangements
Whatever the arrangement is for children spending time with their parents, parents need to sort out their feelings with one another for it to work successfully. Parents also need to keep in touch with one another and up to date about their children’s lives. Although this takes time and effort, some practical tips to help move parents along are as follows:
Don’t criticise the other parent to your children. All this serves to do is confuse and upset your children because they feel disloyal when they hear these things;
Don’t use children as messengers. If you cannot communicate with the other parent write notes to each other, even about the simple things;
Don’t undermine the other parent’s ways of discipline or routines. If you are strongly opposed then take it up with your ex-partner or go through a third party if you can’t talk reasonably to each other;
Each parent should set up their home for their children to avoid them needing to take lots of things from one house to the other;
For the ‘weekend parent’ remember that your children are living with you, not just visiting. This means there need to be routines and house rules and not just a place where the children do fun things. There needs to be ‘parenting’ which involves disciplines, chores and the routines of life;
Make your house a home for your children. Its important they have somewhere to put their things, and some private space. Have toys, clothes, etc in your house, so your children don’t have to live our of a suitcase;
Follow through on their appointments and activities (e.g. parties, dentist) even if you weren’t the parent who made the arrangements;
If you have a new partner, make sure the children still get time alone with you. Your life is moving one, but they need reassurance that they are just as important to you.
Your relationship with the other parent
You and the other parent will always be parents to your children even though your relationship as partners is over. Sometimes letting go of the hurt and angry feelings from the partnership is very difficult, but if the anger keeps on going your children will be very distressed. If you can’t let go, seek help, for the sake of your children.
In carrying out your shared responsibilities it can help if you:
Keep your word (if you have to change arrangements, let the other parent know as soon as possible);
Remember, the better your relationship with the other parent, the easier it is for your children (even if the other parent is being unreasonable, you don’t have to be);
Don’t’ try to sort things out when you are seeking angry, tired or hurt;
Respect the other parent’s privacy (don’t walk into their house without being invited, telephone at an unreasonable time or interrupt their special occasions);
Try for your children’s sake to be polite and respectful to the other parent even if you don’t feel like it.
Reminders
It’s the responsibility of parents to sort things out like where children live and when they spend item with each parent. Providing children are safe, they have both a need and right to a relationship with both parents.
Make sure you put your children’s needs first. Parents are there to sort out what is best for their children and need to think again if finding themselves wanting to ‘get even’ with the other parent. Don’t get caught up in ‘winning’. This approach will end up hurting everyone, especially children.
Protect your children from knowing about adult issues. They need to be allowed to get on with their own lives without having to be troubled by such matters.
If things go wrong and you can’t sort things out go back to your counselor, lawyer or the court.
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